THE JOURNAL OF YOWANE HAKU
by InvidHellCat2
Summary: Haku starts a journal telling about her recovery from her alcoholism, and how she met her best friend Akita Neru, and how that relationship changed and grew over time. Slight Haku/Meiko, Haku/Neru, Len/Neru, Haku/Kiyoteru, Kiyoteru/Mew, GUMI/Rin, and Gakupo/Luka


**LEGAL DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN VOCALOID, I DID NOT CREATE VOCALOID. YOWANE HAKU WAS CREATED BY CAFFEIN, AKITA NERU WAS CREATED BY SMITH HIOKA AND OWNED BY CRYPTON FUTURE MEDIA. ALL RIGHTS ARE RESERVED TO THEIR RESPECTIVE COPYRIGHT AND TRADEMARK HOLDERS. **

**THE JOURNAL OF YOWANE HAKU **

**BY: INVID HELLCAT (12/8/14)**

March 10: This is my first journal entry, my name is Yowane Haku, yes I'm an alcoholic but on the slow uphill road to recovery, yes I'm clinically depressed, yes I have an inferiority complex, but recently I met somebody that has looked beyond all that, that's reminded me of the happy carefree girl I used to be. Her name is Akita Neru. If she were a Manga character I guess you could call her a tsundere, but she's so much more than that. She really is a sweet heart, she's been the light in my dark life that's been missing for so long. I know I'm starting to sound like I'm in love with her, I'm not really, I do love her, but it's more like as a little sister than romantic. She's the first real friend I've had in years. I know there's MEIKO, but honestly we're just drinking buddies. Although there have been times when we've both gotten a bit too drunk and well, yeah we've woken up naked next to each other more than once.

Thing is I'm honestly not attracted to other girls when I'm sober, but I guess for me it's a mix of the alcohol, and loneliness, and for MEIKO it's a mix of alcohol and frustration over the fact the guy she likes doesn't seem to notice her feelings for him at all. Although the last time I was out drinking with MEIKO I told her about Neru, and I told her how scared I was that one day I'd get drunk and find myself waking up next to Neru naked after a night of drunken love making. I don't want to do that to Neru. She means too much to me, and I know that would hurt her and make her stop being my friend. MEIKO smiled at me when I said that and told me that if Neru was that important to me I should clean up my act and get help. MEIKO may be a drinking buddy but she doesn't live her life in the bottom of a saké bottle. She only drinks socially even if she does over do it at times, and she never gets drunk on days when she has to work. Unlike me who spends more days a week drunk than sober. I started seeing a councilor the next day, that was six month ago.

March 16: It's been a slow process, but I was told as much. There's a lot of demons for me to overcome. A lot of issues to deal with, but I have a reason to live now, a reason to get back to being a human being again instead of a slave to my addictions and depression. Neru has been such a help in this process. Her friendship, her love, often times tough love at that, is exactly what I've needed. We've talked about getting an apartment together. It would be nice not having to live alone anymore, and the fact she's a girl I don't have to worry about getting heartbroken again.

Most of my issues started when I developed a crush on one of my old high school classmates, his name is Hiyama Kiyoteru, I fell so hard for him. At first it looked like everything was going well, we even went on a couple dates, but then he met my best friend Mew, and well, Mew is so much more pretty than I am, she's beautiful in fact, and she's smarter than me, and the next thing I knew he dumped me for her. It was a downward spiral after that. I felt heartbroken, by being dumped by my boyfriend and betrayed by my best friend. The night Kiyoteru dumped me was the first time I had ever gotten drunk. I was only 19, but I had a fake I.D. and they let me in without question. That was also the first time I met MEIKO. Looking back I wish it had been Neru instead, if it was Neru I might not have found myself in this mess. Not that I blame MEIKO at all I made the choice to drink on a fake ID and get drunk after all. But, they do say whatever doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. I know this is a battle I'll be fighting my entire life, but with Neru's help and support I know it's one I can win.

July 2: Me and Neru have moved into our new apartment today. It's nice, just knowing that Neru will be there all the time is in of itself a small blessing. A few of Neru's friends from school helped us move in, as did MEIKO and her I guess now boyfriend Kaito. Life has gotten much better for me, I know I'm still not there yet, it seems like I fall more than I get up, but I am getting up which is a massive improvement from the way things used to be. And, now when I fall though I can grab Neru's hand. She's so patient, but at the same time stern.

I know I said that I love her like a little sister, but sometimes it feels like she's the older one. I'm at a point now where I can't imagine life without Neru in it in some way shape or form. She truly is the light of my life now. A couple of our neighbors Luka and Gakupo like to tease the two of us about being in a romantic two girl friendship. Well, I can't argue the two girl friendship part, but there's nothing romantic about me and Neru. I was out shopping with Neru yesterday and ran into a few of my old classmates. I even introduced Neru to them as my little sister. Neru explained to them that we were best friends and soon to be roommates but that we had kind of adopted each other as sisters. It's been a long time since somebody said something about me that made me feel so happy. I knew that Neru cared deeply for me, but to hear that she saw me as her big sister, was the best thing I think I could've ever heard. I'll take having Neru as my best friend and "adopted" little sister, than a boyfriend any day.

July 4: Neru's been a ball of excitement all day today. Kagamine Len a boy that she's been crushing on for a long time now finally asked her out. Their first date is going to be tonight, but I can tell that Neru is just as nervous as she is excited. Some of her excitement has rubbed off on me as well. I mean my best friend my little sister is going on the very first date of her life. I haven't met very many of Neru's school friends except for when they helped us move in, but Len seemed like a very nice boy. I think he and Neru look adorable together. I remember Neru first telling me about Len, and about how at first she was afraid to tell him that she liked him because he was always hanging around another girl named Rin.

She later learned that her fears were unjustified when she found out that Rin was Len's twin sister, and that Rin herself was lesbian with a girlfriend. No, Neru and Len are not going on a double date with Rin and her girlfriend GUMI. I remember the day too when Neru told me she found out that Len and Rin were twins, she was so happy that she was literally crying. I do admit to feeling happy for Neru she's been crushing on Len for as long as I've known her, but at the same time I am a just a bit jealous. But for Neru's sake I will lay off the saké. I've ordered take out and stocked up on plenty of other drinks to help keep me from running to a bar and drinking my jealousy away by getting sloshed. That and I did promise Neru that I wouldn't leave the apartment tonight. She did threaten me with a spanking if she found out I left, and quite frankly I don't want to try my luck and see if she was joking or not.

July 5: Neru told me that the date was a success and that next weekend she, Len, Rin, and GUMI will all be going a double date. I wish Neru the best I hope that her relationship with Len doesn't end the way mine did with Kiyoteru. We wound up spending half the night talking about her date, she said that Len took her out to a nice little restaurant, then they went and watched a new movie, and played a round of mini-golf, and finished the date off with a stop at an ice cream shop. She kept saying how Len was a near perfect gentleman the entire night.

It was very easy to see just how much my little sister loves Len. Although I did warn her not to do some of the things I have done before. But, at least in her case if that did happen she is in love him. Unlike me and MEIKO who just did it cause we were drunk out of our minds. She told me, well promised me really that she won't do that. She's seen the struggle that I've gone though, that I'm continuing to go through. She said that if she went down that same road she knows that it would hurt me, and she loves me too much to hurt me like that.

Every time I hear Neru say that she loves me I smile and my heart feels so warm. It still feels so new and fresh to me to have somebody in my life that actually cares about me. It was something that was missing for far too long. Sometimes I think that it wouldn't be so bad if something happened and we fell in love with each other, but honestly though that thought also frightens me, sickens me too. If that were to happen I'd literally feel like I was falling in love with my own sister.

July 20: I can't believe it I got a wedding invitation to Mew and Kiyoteru's wedding. I don't understand why invite me? I mean I'm Kiyoteru's ex-girlfriend, and I still haven't forgiven Mew for stealing him away from me. For the first time in a long time I went to the bar, but MEIKO was there. She was surprised that I had shown up, and in tears no less. Neru was at school at the time, so I couldn't talk to her. MEIKO just took one look at me and asked what was wrong. I told her about the wedding invitation. She took me into a hug and, asked me if I was sure I wanted to throw away all that I had worked so hard to accomplish. All I could do was cry as she held me. I felt her dab at my tears with a napkin.

She looked me squarely in the eyes, and asked me what would Neru think if she knew I was here at the bar? I know my eyes must have been as big as saucers when she asked that. I knew that if Neru found out she'd be hurt, disappointed, and angry. I just couldn't hurt Neru like that. We then headed home MEIKO staying with me until Neru came home. No nothing happened between me and MEIKO like I said we don't like girls in that way when we're sober. But, it makes me happy to see that my friends have my back even when I'm in danger of falling, and in the time I've been, well I can't say clean and sober just yet, but most definitely improving me and MEIKO have become true friends, not just drinking buddies. After Neru got home she was to no surprise upset with me for even thinking about getting drunk again. She knew about my past with Kiyoteru and Mew.

She was as surprised as I was that I had been invited to their wedding. She softened a bit when she heard that and said she could sort of understand how all those painful memories could lead to a relapse. But, I saw her eyes tear up at one point while we were talking. She told me she couldn't live with it I ever fell back into what I had become when she first me. She saw how empty my life was, how hopeless I seemed. She told me she never wanted to see me like that again. She wanted the happy big sister that she had now. We both wound up crying ourselves to sleep. We woke up and had dinner as it was after midnight when we woke.

August 19: Today is the Day of Mew and Kiyoteru's wedding, I decided to go. Neru came with me. Even though it does dredge up all those painful memories I came because I wanted to find out why, why are they doing this to me. Do they want to hurt me? Do they still consider me a friend? Do they just want a cheap laugh at my expense? I have to know, I just have to know so I can put everything behind me. This isn't something I want to do, but it's something I have to do.

Well it's been a few hours since I last wrote and, I found out why Mew and Kiyoteru invited me. They both still consider me a close friend. I asked Kiyoteru why he left me. He told me that he was sorry for how it ended, but he honestly never felt anything beyond friendship for me. Mew apologized to me she told me she never intended to hurt me, and that she was never trying to steal Kiyoteru away from me. I really want to believe them, but they've both hurt me so much in the past I'm just not sure I can trust them. I could tell that just by listening that Neru was fuming. But, she kept her anger and temper in check. But did she ever explode when we got back home. It was obvious that Neru didn't believe a word of what they said. She kept telling me that they were playing me and toying with me, and how badly she wanted to go off on them then and there but she understood that it wasn't the time nor place to do so.

I took her into a hug and told her that it was all over now, there was nothing to worry about the ghosts that had haunted me from that incident were behind me, and I told her that I had more to look forward to than I had behind me. She hugged me back and told me she was glad to hear that. She kissed my cheek and told me that if she wasn't dating Len, and wasn't my little sister she'd take me as her girlfriend. I laughed not condescendingly, but playfully. As I told Neru if she was single and I wasn't her big sister I'd date her too, and kissed the top of her head. Maybe there is something to this "romantic friendship" Luka and Gakupo keep teasing us about. I honestly never thought I'd say that about a girl but I guess there's an exception to everything.

Jan. 1: Hard to believe that two years have gone by now. And, right at midnight, Len proposed to Neru. Of course Neru said yes. I'm so happy for her. Her and Len have been so happy together. It's still hard to think that my little sister will be getting married. Of course the first thing she after she said yes was ask me to be her Maid of Honor. Naturally I said yes too. Then she and Len shared their first kiss as fiances. Then Neru leaned over and kissed my cheek. I kissed her cheek I return. We made a promise last year at this time that if anything were to happen to her relationship with Len, and we both are hoping that it lasts forever, but should it go awry we've promised to start dating each other.

We've admitted that we've fallen in love but, at the same time we're not going to risk her relationship with Len. She really and truly is happy with Len, and I'm happy for her. In a way it does hurt, being in love somebody I can never have but I know that Neru is feeling the same, but at least she has somebody that does love her and she can love back. I know that one day I'll find that special someone. Not sure when, not sure who, but I know that I'll find somebody. For now at least it's enough to share an apartment with the girl I love.

It's enough to know that we love each other and always will, even if we can't act on it. Although I have to tell the truth we've shared a few kisses, and not friendly, nor sisterly either, I mean full on the lips, french kisses. But that's as far as we've gone, as far as we dare go. Anyways, this should be an interesting year, and I wish all of my friends, the best life has to give them.

June 20: Today is the day, today is the day that my best friend, the love and light of my life is getting married. It's been hectic recently but, Neru has just been beaming with happiness all day, and also shaking with nervousness as well. We were in her dressing room getting her ready for her big moment. It was just the two of us. I told her that I'm so happy for her, and as much as I would love to change places with Len, I'm really truly happy it never came to that. She just nodded and smiled. This girl who's seen me at the worst time of my life, who's seen me at my weakest, and who helped bring me back from the abyss and means the world to me. This girl who I at one time loved as a sister now I'm completely in love with. Now I'm not only going to be her Maid of Honor, but she's also chosen me to give her away to Len.

Yes, I'm sad that I'll no longer be living with Neru, but I'm so overwhelmingly happy for her that she has found that special someone that will make her happy for the rest of her life. I wouldn't change a thing. Although it's going to be strange calling her Kagamine Neru from now on, but I know I'll get used to it. There was a knock at the door and Miku another of the bridesmaids, and a friend of Neru form school, told us that the ceremony would start in five minutes, and wanted to make we were ready. We told her that we were. She then left to get to the others ready.

Me and Neru looked at each other, and I asked her if I could kiss the bride one final time before she was married. She just nodded her head and we shared our final kiss. The ceremony was beautiful, and thankfully not overly long. Len chose Rin his twin sister as his well I guess you can't call her his Best Man, but to fill that role. So far this ride called my life has been an interesting one, but I can't wait to see what tomorrow will bring, not just for me but mostly for my beloved Neru.

**THE END.**

_END NOTES: Honestly I really don't ship Haku/Neru but I do see them as being best friends and even a sisterly relationship. In truth I didn't have the intention at first to bring their relationship into the "romantic friendship" category but it sort of made sense I as I was writing. And what I wrote about Haku and MEIKO is my headcanon. I can never make up my mind whether I ship Kiyoteru/Haku or Kiyoteru/Mew it seems to depend on my mood and the day. Also I don't normally ship Rin/GUMI, but I just watched the video for GUMI's "Rampaging Lolitaholic". Been a while since I've done a story in diary or journal form. And, oh if you're wondering if Neru was joking with Haku or not about spanking her, the answer is…maybe =P Anyways please R&R take care and peace out for now. Invid HellCat (12-8-14)_


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